Last Sunday’s fixture saw the sunny Sankei Misato ground become the battlefield for the Crusaders vs. AllJinJan promotion clash. The boys in blue were keen to round off their excellent year – a Shuto league podium finish, winning back the Mac Cup and retaining the Meat Cup – with a final jewel in their crown, but AllJinJan had given them a solid game earlier that year, and were not to be underestimated.
After all the unnecessary officious rubbish (‘pull your socks up, boys! He keeps going on about it!’), AllJinJan came flying out of the gates at kick-off, keen to use the Cru’s lack of fitness and talent to their advantage. However, with Tooley’s advice about fellatio and arse-biting ringing in their ears, the Crusaders slipped neatly into their pod-heavy gameplay, and banged away enough for Matt Sparrow to sprint off into the sunset and chalk up the first five points; unfortunately, he pulled a Yusei, and failed to convert.
Packing down into their first scrum of the game soon after kick-off, the Cru forwards rolled back the AJJ pack, fried chicken and beer foam giving superhuman strength to the asthmatic brutes. However, their inability to move around the pitch soon gave AJJ the chance to slip through the defence and score, then slot, one of their own.
Responding quickly, swift hands through the backs set up MVP Sebastian for the first of his two stellar tries, slipping through numerous tackles; Reece rode eternal soon after, shiny and chrome, into the gates of the AJJ try area. After a water break, the onslaught continued, with juggernaut Luke Bradley and Matt ‘BoJo’ Foster gaining try time of their own.
Finally, the pygmy skirt-chaser Yoyo took a pass from Travis just before the line, and scored in his final game for the Cru. The kick was converted, but unfortunately the kicker’s name has been scrubbed from the records. At any rate, it certainly can’t have been No-No.
Aside from one last organ-rearranging tackle from Luke, the last two minutes slipped by without incident, the Cru leading at 36-7 into the half.
The second half saw plenty of changes – prop Ed ‘Complete and Total’ Downer taking up the 11 jersey, Brendan, Yuki and Genta taking to the pitch, a few back line changes, and the return of Kashi, finally able to eat solids again. The first ten minutes passed in the same way as before – the mighty Cru pack steamrolling the scrums, while the backs talked about boys and dress sizes. Still, half-back Tomo continued his rampage across the field with five points of his own, and – true to form – Seb took to his new place at centre like a duck to water, scoring his second of the day.
At this point, however, the constant scrummaging started to take its toll, and the forwards began to die off. EXILE TRIBE came on for One Direction as Hiro took over the 1 jersey, and BoJo returned to the Brexit campaign, replaced by local degenerate Sean Gibson. All agreed, apparently, that the Cru should do their best at this point to throw the game away: and sure enough, the AJJ machine roared into action, keen on inflicting some damage. With their far greater fitness base and speed at the breakdown, the purple shirts scored 24 points in almost as many minutes, the same time-frame in which the Cru gave away 8 of their 10 penalties on the day. Nonetheless, the boys held out, and at 48-31 the final whistle blew, and Division 1 promotion was assured.
Shotaro Tsutsumi was the AJJ MVP, with solid tackles all day long; Travis was their choice, for all the usual reasons.
Huge thanks go to the super-stalwart Fumi, Riho and Mayumi as watergirls; Ev Hitch, for great sideline management; and to Corey, Taka, and Yusuke, who unfortunately weren’t able to take the field. Also, it’s a sad farewell to Yoyo: England will be happy with your stolen stash and predatory nature, mate!
The aftermatch, as ever, took place at the Matsudo standing bar, where American Daniel unseated the Reich in a downing match, young women were terrified by No-no, and Taka had a nice sleep in the toilets.
MVP Points were as follows:
5 – Seb, endless energy and phenomenal gameplay
4 – Reece, actually bringing girls
3 – Tomo, blinding the opposition with his polished dome
2 – Travis, obviously
1 – Luke, somehow not killing his opposite number
